Monday, June 21, 2004

[Essay] On Human Suffering


Have you ever asked, blamed or directed your anger towards God? Have you ever found yourself asking, "What have I done to deserve this kind of suffering?" and then blaming God? I have. And not so long ago, about a year ago, to be exact, I have done just that over and over with tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes puffy and my nose red from all that crying. It was the first failure I've had in my life and it's an important part of the career I've blindly chosen.

I FAILED. That's it...life's over....

STOP THE DRAMA AND MOVE ON! That is what I'm telling myself now that I've had the guts to walk down memory lane and feel objective about everything that happened and analyze the cause of such pain and anguish.

As a human being too, I have observed not only in myself but also with others, when things go wrong or events didn't go the way we had planned it out so carefully, most of us tend to put the blame on everyone but ourselves. Up until now, I'm still mystified on the reasons why we do that. Of course, I can only speak for myself but I think, maybe because I was scared of what people would think of me and I think, at that time, it's beyond my comprehension to accept the fact that I'm a failure - correction, WAS a failure. I used the past tense because I have accepted that it was my fault, due to the fact that I'm not as crazy about my career as do others, and I wasn't really serious about it. In short, my heart and soul wasn't even in it! I know you're even asking yourselves, "Then why bother getting a degree in a career you don't even care for?" I'll give you the priviledge of an answer to that and it's because: I'm a responsible person to the point that I don't want to leave things unfinished and that is the reason why I studied hard for 4 years in college and is the reason why I'm trying hard to quench the restlessness stirring in my soul in order to stay. I'm also stubborn to the point that I want no to minimal changes in my life, which is why I have 2 loyalty awards and I'd rather stay where I am right now than face a future I'm not 100% sure of.

Having come to such a conclusion, I can feel a few regrets lingering but I would never trade them for anything in the world (even the cause of such suffering) because in those times, I have met wonderful people who are now my friends, my colleagues, my confidantes. I've learned to be weary of people with certain types of behaviour, know what their character is because of their body language. Because, in those times, memories & experiences have been formed and stored not in my brain but in my heart where I can look through in the future and learn something from it. I prefer storing things in my heart than in my brain because scientifically speaking, when a brain cell dies, the information dies with it too. Scary, isn't it? The heart does not have that kind of memory problem so experiences and memories are better kept there. The heart never forgets even if a thousand years or lifetimes has passed, it never forgets, which is why psychics & astrologists invented Soulmates!

Anyway, I'm sorry I got carried away in sharing with you my greatest suffering and so let's go back to the first paragraph. I'm sure that every single one of us has blamed God for one thing or another BUT...don't you think it's really unfair to put all the blame on God's shoulder when clearly, it's our own foolishness and pride that caused our own demise or suffering? OH COME ON! Think about it! Truly, it is unfair! Why don't you try to walk down memory lane and look at it objectively? You'll come to realize that what we do is what creates a reaction that would start another set of chain events that even God didn't plan for us!

God is the source of all that is Good and Holy. He has infinite love for us so why would He like for us to suffer? That is the question I had in mind but I found the answer during a homily three Sundays ago and the priest said, "God lets us suffer from time to time because first of all, we were foolish and we needed to learn a valuable lesson from such suffering but most of all, because He wants us to grow in all aspects and for us to have a stronger faith & bond in Him."

God is only waiting for you to call Him. So go ahead and pray...He will surely hear and readily help you. It doesn't matter that you're not religious, you've forgotten how to pray, you're a sinner (heck! everyone of us are!), you're the blackest of the black sheep...IT DOESN'T MATTER TO GOD! HE LOVES US JUST THE WAY WE ARE. God would rather have a REPENTANT SINNER than a PROUD & ARROGANT deeply religious man.

Keep that in mind.